Dear Rihanna,
GRACE JONES WANTS HER SWAG BACK…ALL OF IT. No really. There’s so much I would love to say to you Ms. Fenty with so little time.*Deep Sigh* we don’t believe you, you need more people. You emerged on the scene in 2005 a fresh face; unbeknownst to us of how Jay Z lucked up on your talent*snickers* “RANDOMLY” (amidst rumors that Teairra Marie got the boot to accommodate you).Thank you Jay Z for blessing us with this marvelous gift that only a Grand Mason of the Illuminati could make world famous for being a the WORST SINGER of all time surpassing P Diddy’s latest effort to make us all deaf on Dirty Coins “Angels”. With the exception of your confused stan’s, I’m sure I represent a majority with the things I have to say to you.
1) Hood rat (via Kat Perry) You can give up the act.. We all knew you weren’t America’s sweetheart when you crotch humped an umbrella for the entire world to see. You contradicted yourself on every news interview regarding you and Chris Brown’s issue made public. I’m not standing up for that boy... But DAMN even Ray Charles could count how many times you “ Dougied” around the issue of reciprocal abuse. So please tell your publicists to stop releasing stories to sabotage Chris every time one of yall’s failed attempts to meet up at a motel doesn’t fall through. (Matt Kemp will appreciate it too, seeing as though he’s a benchwarmer now)
2) In every hood across America girls have been using up all their mamas Red Kool-Aid since forever to achieve your style the media has deemed “Fashion Forward” The only difference is... At least ‘KeKe and dem” get that Super relaxer with it... Your kitchen has been OUT OF ORDER lately.
3) How ironic that your latest project to revive your 15 minutes will be a movie called “Battleship” so appropriate.
4) Since you are a self appointed spokeswoman for domestic violence, why don’t you go ahead and snatch up that Valtrex endorsement, so you can stop explaining that reoccurring thing on your lip to the world.
5) I’ve read the reviews of your concert, Dominatrix costumes, and nudity can’t suffice for paying $10 to have my ears assaulted like Kat Stacks.
6) Pray to God and Baby Jesus that your stylist never quits, Mediatakeout would lose 50% of its stories, and Immigration would ship your ass out of the U.S. faster than you can say Elian Gonzalez.
7) How does it feel to know that you’re being passed around the industry? Slow down... It’s gotten so bad that we believe every person the blogs links you with is hitting you.(no pun intended)
8) Finally, I have a solution to your sudden loss of relevance... Take the Alicia Keyes route; when your career is failing, and album sales are low, go find a married producer, get knocked up and have a tasteful fairytale wedding. SIDENOTE: I would say doe a sex tape but thanks to “Anonymous angry boyfriend” the world has already seen your goods. FOR FREE!
I “Love the way you lie” Rih Rih you have fooled the masses. You have accomplished more than I bet you, Beyonce, or anyone else would have imagined. You have became the poster child for bad weaves, ruined the concert industries 2010 sales, inspired Chris Brown to be a Gangsta Rapper, and given every child with absolutely no talent a reason to believe they can make it. So you keep on wearing sheer shirts to show your nipples when the Paparazzi arrive, continue sleeping with men for personal gain (Disturbia, Drake: Fireworks)... And you and that “Five Star Fo’ Head” do whatever it takes to not end up on Celebrity Fit Club/Rehab *shoutout to Bobby Brown*
Signed @Toilafare
P.S. Can I have the number to who did your Rhinoplasty? Yea we noticed.
