"Learning to fly"

Learning to fly 



Soaring above the clouds, breeze and fresh air . Careless emotion, unprecedented feelings of joy, total inhibition. The world is an oyster, new to eager eyes wanting to experience love at any cost. Suddenly the loud crack of gun fire emits pain all around you. The sharp agony of betrayal , and false loyalty engulf your body an soul. You feel yourself falling, your wings incapacitated .. Looking down to your demise , a hard ground symbolizing reality, loneliness .. The dirt full of mistrust. The impact of the fall the hurt of love lost.  It feels like the heavens were so close and attainable only to become galaxy's away by decisions of the one person you gave your all to . Silence.. The only warmth on the ground is the somber heat of the tears you feel you will drown in.  You close your eyes for what feels like ages.. Wanting to be oblivious to anyone or anything that can inflict more harm.. Darkness succumbs you. You open your eyes for one unexpected moment and feel one wings metamorphous.  Right before your eyes you witness it move.. How is this possible , the wound was cut deep . You feel healing .. Inside you recognize The comfort of letting go . The aroma of happiness is in the air . You hesitate to lift one wing , because you imagine the pain simply won't let you attempt to fly again.. You glance over and feel the transformation in your other wing occur . A voice in your mind tells you. " trust me .. lift both wings, I'll never let you fall. with your last ounce of strength you lift yourself off the ground. Redemption suddenly becomes where you fell .the ascent upwards above the clouds again . You never thought you could learn to fly again. But you are . See when your heart is broken , Your wings are left damaged .There are two decisions one has to face. The immortal words sink deep. " It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all." I choose flight .

Beautiful Surprise

Unexpected Feelings, carnal desire.
You lit the match that set my soul on fire. What did I do to turn your attention my way? Why did the fates for our inexplicable  encounter conspire? It's those unspoken words that say it all.. Those quick glances that make me feel ten feet tall. Out of nowhere, he appeared in this uneventful life of mine. Such a short time, but it feels like a life time . I dont know what the future holds, but I'm living in the moment. A beautiful surprise, wrapped up in a box of uncertainty , apprehension , excitement , and feelings coming undone. but suddenly it changed! 
its something strange...i have no idea, what this might be .it makes me curious..

Looking Foward: EMANCIPATION

So... the last time I blogged about my personal life was probably after Graduation. I must admit my ramblings were bitter, and sort of melodramatic, but that's where I was at. In a matter of a month the disdain and anxiety turned into sunshine (corny I know). I got my dream job in the area I went to school for, I balanced out my social life, and my personal life. I guess the personal life epiphany came when I realized that a Man is not a necessity in life, taking away all the fool-hearted expectations on  what a relationship is supposed to be saved my life. I'm at a growing stage, metaphorically I feel like a sapling. At 24 I feel like I'm still a seed, I need to be watered by positivity, development, and self affirmation to grow. A man that cant be the "water" in my life is useless.

I hope I don't sound like Queen Latifah, or some bra burning woman's rights activist, I wouldn't turn down a Good man EVER, I just feel like at this point the world is at my fingertips, and all distractions need to be kept far away. BRUTALLY HONEST MOMENT: My intentions on male interactions at this moment are only for physical responsibilities to my body. If that means once a month I get the urge to call up a gentleman for fun, there will be no activities that would resemble DATING, INTEREST, OR FUTURE CALLBACKS.  It is what it is.

ITS ALL ABOUT ME ME ME! for the first time in my young adulthood I am comfortable in my own skin, confident of my goals and what I expect from the opposite sex. Its okay for me to fail, make a few mistakes, have a one night stand, take a spontaneous trip.. Judge me if you want.. I'll pay you no mind.

HOMIE/LOVER/FRIEND DISASTER

So here it is, as blunt & truthful as it will get... HOMIE/LOVER/FRIEND does not..i repeat.. cant EXIST.

Usher sent countless human beings down the wrong path with "LOVERS & FRIENDS". The concept that a woman and man can coexist no strings attached, is fool's talk. This theory has been tested, and found to be a complete FAILURE. I can count in my head how often I've listened to friends of both genders explain "Why they have a stage 5 clinger" or the pathetic question, "Why wont he/she return my text". For starters, if a man/woman approaches you with great intentions of just being friends, never throw out your apprehension (unless your unattractive to the human race). Its complete B.S. for a man/woman to tell someone who is attractive, "Lets just be friends' ..Try it out, and tell me I'm correct when you get that 'Friendly' 12 am text message..  "Whats up" .. Still don't understand, let me break it down.

HOMIE:  Homie wants to go to the movies, kick back and gossip and ridicule mutual associate. This Homie can tell you about his/her's future sexual conquests, and ask opinions on how to get rid of the unwanted ones. Homies sit on the phone for hours like the best of friends, not even mentioning the idea of sex happening. The Homie is the perfect sitiuation for any man.. the perks of knowing how a woman thinks without having to deal with her emotionally.

LOVER:  Lover is that 2 am text message after you leave the club. HE/SHES my homie, so ..If we do have sex, I wont have to worry about commitment or asking at 7am "SOOO.... what you got planned today" in hopes that they'll exit your bed. The lover already knows what turns you on, because the homie knows the details of your sexual encounters with other men/women. 

FRIEND: The friend knows all your insecurities, can tell when you're unhappy, or hurt. The friend cares about your dreams and goals, and would do anything to help you achieve them. HE/SHE might be there when you're sick to do the duties a BF/GF might. The friend has an emotional connection with the HOMIE.. which only grows stronger because of the role played as the LOVER...

SO..Think of it like an acting role.. HE/SHE might be playing all three parts in your life.. with no title, or commitment.. How long do you honestly thing the "Supporting character" will play those parts without wanting to get the Lead?

WORDS THAT I LIVE BY

trust your heart

if the seas catch fire

(and live by love

though the stars walk backward)

honour the past

but welcome the future

(and dance your death

away at the wedding)

never mind a world

with its villains or heroes

(for good likes girls

and tomorrow and the earth

 

Where do I go from here?

I GRADUATED! *Dry voice* YAY!

Have you ever had that feeling after you've completed something, where you're supposed to be happy , but are nonchalant? Ladies and Gentleman... that is my situation. I graduated from college in May with hardly any enthusiasm.  I kept my cap and gown in my trunk, wrinkled resembling Barbara Walters until graduation.  No charming Sears Photo shoots dawning my graduation regalia, no invites in the mail to relatives I cant stand, but hopeful of monetary donation. Maybe the defining moment of my stoicism was cap and gown pick up, where the shining moment was ruined by Student Loan exit counseling.  Counseling that included a screen shot of debt with plenty of zero's to go around. Or maybe it was the moment you realized that a 5 year relationship was a waste.

Perhaps, it was the dreading thought that our economy is so screwed that I'll probably be flipping burgers at Wendy's.. proclaiming to my co-workers "What going to keep me warm, thats right, those degrees"

My indecisive feelings about what to do next in my life are killing me. The dream killing thought that I'll actually have to get a Master's in a field I hate (but brings in big bucks) versus doing what I love ( which will have me begging on State St.) ...

“A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.” -Robert Purvis

"If I have one more drink............."

"The overly enthusiatic alcoholic in this picture is telling the unadulturated TRUTH"

I've been intoxicated the past two weekends.....  Im usually a die hard vodka drinker, GOOD OL vodka always on sale, never a dull moment. Three weekends ago I ventured into the world of TEQUILA.. how harmful could a timeless Mexican tradition be? I was more lost than nicki minaj in a "ALL NATURAL" facebook group.. BRUISES.. questionable behavior.. new friends that I usually treat like stepchildren. Its ruining my life! On top of the "Hangover-esque" debauchery I discovered a medical condition that I wish i could claim on my taxes... BLACKOUTS "Large amounts of alcohol, particularly if consumed rapidly, can produce partial (i.e., fragmentary) or complete (i.e., en bloc) blackouts, which are periods of memory loss for events that transpired while a person was drinking."

Vodka NEVER DID this to me.. " TE-TE' (vodka's ghetto sister) SCREWED ME OVER..

I can joke about this situation becuase i'm a social drinker.. this is no "ode to alcohol".. not a love story..  Ill leave the tequila to 'Girls gone wild' blondes, and mexicans with el camino's..

" The last girl home never wins"