Learning to fly
Soaring above the clouds, breeze and fresh air . Careless emotion, unprecedented feelings of joy, total inhibition. The world is an oyster, new to eager eyes wanting to experience love at any cost. Suddenly the loud crack of gun fire emits pain all around you. The sharp agony of betrayal , and false loyalty engulf your body an soul. You feel yourself falling, your wings incapacitated .. Looking down to your demise , a hard ground symbolizing reality, loneliness .. The dirt full of mistrust. The impact of the fall the hurt of love lost. It feels like the heavens were so close and attainable only to become galaxy's away by decisions of the one person you gave your all to . Silence.. The only warmth on the ground is the somber heat of the tears you feel you will drown in. You close your eyes for what feels like ages.. Wanting to be oblivious to anyone or anything that can inflict more harm.. Darkness succumbs you. You open your eyes for one unexpected moment and feel one wings metamorphous. Right before your eyes you witness it move.. How is this possible , the wound was cut deep . You feel healing .. Inside you recognize The comfort of letting go . The aroma of happiness is in the air . You hesitate to lift one wing , because you imagine the pain simply won't let you attempt to fly again.. You glance over and feel the transformation in your other wing occur . A voice in your mind tells you. " trust me .. lift both wings, I'll never let you fall. with your last ounce of strength you lift yourself off the ground. Redemption suddenly becomes where you fell .the ascent upwards above the clouds again . You never thought you could learn to fly again. But you are . See when your heart is broken , Your wings are left damaged .There are two decisions one has to face. The immortal words sink deep. " It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all." I choose flight .
Monday, February 27, 2012
Monday, February 20, 2012
Beautiful Surprise
Unexpected Feelings, carnal desire.
You lit the match that set my soul on fire. What did I do to turn your attention my way? Why did the fates for our inexplicable encounter conspire? It's those unspoken words that say it all.. Those quick glances that make me feel ten feet tall. Out of nowhere, he appeared in this uneventful life of mine. Such a short time, but it feels like a life time . I dont know what the future holds, but I'm living in the moment. A beautiful surprise, wrapped up in a box of uncertainty , apprehension , excitement , and feelings coming undone. but suddenly it changed!
its something strange...i have no idea, what this might be .it makes me curious..
You lit the match that set my soul on fire. What did I do to turn your attention my way? Why did the fates for our inexplicable encounter conspire? It's those unspoken words that say it all.. Those quick glances that make me feel ten feet tall. Out of nowhere, he appeared in this uneventful life of mine. Such a short time, but it feels like a life time . I dont know what the future holds, but I'm living in the moment. A beautiful surprise, wrapped up in a box of uncertainty , apprehension , excitement , and feelings coming undone. but suddenly it changed!
its something strange...i have no idea, what this might be .it makes me curious..
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Looking Foward: EMANCIPATION
So... the last time I blogged about my personal life was probably after Graduation. I must admit my ramblings were bitter, and sort of melodramatic, but that's where I was at. In a matter of a month the disdain and anxiety turned into sunshine (corny I know). I got my dream job in the area I went to school for, I balanced out my social life, and my personal life. I guess the personal life epiphany came when I realized that a Man is not a necessity in life, taking away all the fool-hearted expectations on what a relationship is supposed to be saved my life. I'm at a growing stage, metaphorically I feel like a sapling. At 24 I feel like I'm still a seed, I need to be watered by positivity, development, and self affirmation to grow. A man that cant be the "water" in my life is useless.
I hope I don't sound like Queen Latifah, or some bra burning woman's rights activist, I wouldn't turn down a Good man EVER, I just feel like at this point the world is at my fingertips, and all distractions need to be kept far away. BRUTALLY HONEST MOMENT: My intentions on male interactions at this moment are only for physical responsibilities to my body. If that means once a month I get the urge to call up a gentleman for fun, there will be no activities that would resemble DATING, INTEREST, OR FUTURE CALLBACKS. It is what it is.
ITS ALL ABOUT ME ME ME! for the first time in my young adulthood I am comfortable in my own skin, confident of my goals and what I expect from the opposite sex. Its okay for me to fail, make a few mistakes, have a one night stand, take a spontaneous trip.. Judge me if you want.. I'll pay you no mind.
Friday, July 1, 2011
HOMIE/LOVER/FRIEND DISASTER
So here it is, as blunt & truthful as it will get... HOMIE/LOVER/FRIEND does not..i repeat.. cant EXIST.
Usher sent countless human beings down the wrong path with "LOVERS & FRIENDS". The concept that a woman and man can coexist no strings attached, is fool's talk. This theory has been tested, and found to be a complete FAILURE. I can count in my head how often I've listened to friends of both genders explain "Why they have a stage 5 clinger" or the pathetic question, "Why wont he/she return my text". For starters, if a man/woman approaches you with great intentions of just being friends, never throw out your apprehension (unless your unattractive to the human race). Its complete B.S. for a man/woman to tell someone who is attractive, "Lets just be friends' ..Try it out, and tell me I'm correct when you get that 'Friendly' 12 am text message.. "Whats up" .. Still don't understand, let me break it down.HOMIE: Homie wants to go to the movies, kick back and gossip and ridicule mutual associate. This Homie can tell you about his/her's future sexual conquests, and ask opinions on how to get rid of the unwanted ones. Homies sit on the phone for hours like the best of friends, not even mentioning the idea of sex happening. The Homie is the perfect sitiuation for any man.. the perks of knowing how a woman thinks without having to deal with her emotionally.
LOVER: Lover is that 2 am text message after you leave the club. HE/SHES my homie, so ..If we do have sex, I wont have to worry about commitment or asking at 7am "SOOO.... what you got planned today" in hopes that they'll exit your bed. The lover already knows what turns you on, because the homie knows the details of your sexual encounters with other men/women.
FRIEND: The friend knows all your insecurities, can tell when you're unhappy, or hurt. The friend cares about your dreams and goals, and would do anything to help you achieve them. HE/SHE might be there when you're sick to do the duties a BF/GF might. The friend has an emotional connection with the HOMIE.. which only grows stronger because of the role played as the LOVER...
SO..Think of it like an acting role.. HE/SHE might be playing all three parts in your life.. with no title, or commitment.. How long do you honestly thing the "Supporting character" will play those parts without wanting to get the Lead?
Thursday, June 9, 2011
WORDS THAT I LIVE BY
trust your heart
if the seas catch fire
(and live by love
though the stars walk backward)
honour the past
but welcome the future
(and dance your death
away at the wedding)
never mind a world
with its villains or heroes
(for good likes girls
and tomorrow and the earth
Where do I go from here?
I GRADUATED! *Dry voice* YAY!
Have you ever had that feeling after you've completed something, where you're supposed to be happy , but are nonchalant? Ladies and Gentleman... that is my situation. I graduated from college in May with hardly any enthusiasm. I kept my cap and gown in my trunk, wrinkled resembling Barbara Walters until graduation. No charming Sears Photo shoots dawning my graduation regalia, no invites in the mail to relatives I cant stand, but hopeful of monetary donation. Maybe the defining moment of my stoicism was cap and gown pick up, where the shining moment was ruined by Student Loan exit counseling. Counseling that included a screen shot of debt with plenty of zero's to go around. Or maybe it was the moment you realized that a 5 year relationship was a waste.
Perhaps, it was the dreading thought that our economy is so screwed that I'll probably be flipping burgers at Wendy's.. proclaiming to my co-workers "What going to keep me warm, thats right, those degrees"
My indecisive feelings about what to do next in my life are killing me. The dream killing thought that I'll actually have to get a Master's in a field I hate (but brings in big bucks) versus doing what I love ( which will have me begging on State St.) ...
“A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.” -Robert Purvis
"If I have one more drink............."
"The overly enthusiatic alcoholic in this picture is telling the unadulturated TRUTH"
Vodka NEVER DID this to me.. " TE-TE' (vodka's ghetto sister) SCREWED ME OVER..
I can joke about this situation becuase i'm a social drinker.. this is no "ode to alcohol".. not a love story.. Ill leave the tequila to 'Girls gone wild' blondes, and mexicans with el camino's..
" The last girl home never wins"
Monday, April 4, 2011
OPEN LETTER TO RIHANNA
Dear Rihanna,
GRACE JONES WANTS HER SWAG BACK…ALL OF IT. No really. There’s so much I would love to say to you Ms. Fenty with so little time.*Deep Sigh* we don’t believe you, you need more people. You emerged on the scene in 2005 a fresh face; unbeknownst to us of how Jay Z lucked up on your talent*snickers* “RANDOMLY” (amidst rumors that Teairra Marie got the boot to accommodate you).Thank you Jay Z for blessing us with this marvelous gift that only a Grand Mason of the Illuminati could make world famous for being a the WORST SINGER of all time surpassing P Diddy’s latest effort to make us all deaf on Dirty Coins “Angels”. With the exception of your confused stan’s, I’m sure I represent a majority with the things I have to say to you.
1) Hood rat (via Kat Perry) You can give up the act.. We all knew you weren’t America’s sweetheart when you crotch humped an umbrella for the entire world to see. You contradicted yourself on every news interview regarding you and Chris Brown’s issue made public. I’m not standing up for that boy... But DAMN even Ray Charles could count how many times you “ Dougied” around the issue of reciprocal abuse. So please tell your publicists to stop releasing stories to sabotage Chris every time one of yall’s failed attempts to meet up at a motel doesn’t fall through. (Matt Kemp will appreciate it too, seeing as though he’s a benchwarmer now)
2) In every hood across America girls have been using up all their mamas Red Kool-Aid since forever to achieve your style the media has deemed “Fashion Forward” The only difference is... At least ‘KeKe and dem” get that Super relaxer with it... Your kitchen has been OUT OF ORDER lately.
3) How ironic that your latest project to revive your 15 minutes will be a movie called “Battleship” so appropriate.
4) Since you are a self appointed spokeswoman for domestic violence, why don’t you go ahead and snatch up that Valtrex endorsement, so you can stop explaining that reoccurring thing on your lip to the world.
5) I’ve read the reviews of your concert, Dominatrix costumes, and nudity can’t suffice for paying $10 to have my ears assaulted like Kat Stacks.
6) Pray to God and Baby Jesus that your stylist never quits, Mediatakeout would lose 50% of its stories, and Immigration would ship your ass out of the U.S. faster than you can say Elian Gonzalez.
7) How does it feel to know that you’re being passed around the industry? Slow down... It’s gotten so bad that we believe every person the blogs links you with is hitting you.(no pun intended)
8) Finally, I have a solution to your sudden loss of relevance... Take the Alicia Keyes route; when your career is failing, and album sales are low, go find a married producer, get knocked up and have a tasteful fairytale wedding. SIDENOTE: I would say doe a sex tape but thanks to “Anonymous angry boyfriend” the world has already seen your goods. FOR FREE!
I “Love the way you lie” Rih Rih you have fooled the masses. You have accomplished more than I bet you, Beyonce, or anyone else would have imagined. You have became the poster child for bad weaves, ruined the concert industries 2010 sales, inspired Chris Brown to be a Gangsta Rapper, and given every child with absolutely no talent a reason to believe they can make it. So you keep on wearing sheer shirts to show your nipples when the Paparazzi arrive, continue sleeping with men for personal gain (Disturbia, Drake: Fireworks)... And you and that “Five Star Fo’ Head” do whatever it takes to not end up on Celebrity Fit Club/Rehab *shoutout to Bobby Brown*
Signed @Toilafare
P.S. Can I have the number to who did your Rhinoplasty? Yea we noticed.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
::Throw It In The Bag::
"Summer is Gone, and fall & winter bring Fashionable sweaters, Chic Jackets, Trendy Boots, and Gorgeous accessories to match!"
This coming season is all about layers. Whether it's a sassy sweater dress, with cool tights, and ankle boots to match; or an off the shoulder sweatshirt w/leggings and riding boots to match. Fall & winter is all about style!
My resident Shopaholic @Jenaechloe helped me compile a few looks to add to my blog..
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| Step 1: A summer dress can be all you need to add the first layer to the outfit. Black is always safe, and Trendy! |
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| Step 2: Add a blazer, crop jacket, or shrug to give the dress the fall touch. |
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| Step 3: Add accessories like head bands, ribbons, and rings to give the outfit the finishing touch. |
VOILA!
Here are some more fall and winter looks for school, lounging at home, or even a trip to the bar or a date!
:Women Lie Men Lie, Men Lie to Survive:
"Take out a piece of paper, mark all the one's you find yourself nodding your head to".
If you can say that he's 50% of all these, Run...Quickly"
Sign Number One: Gut Instinct
Have a funny feeling in your tummy when it comes to him? Did your first instinct tell you to steer clear due to friends recommendations? Well some hypothetical Tums, and if it's still there once they've taken effect, chances are that your body is trying to tell you something
Sign Number Two: His Friends brag about how many girls he has
While this might be terms of fraternal affection in many cases,
be aware that this is really the truth 9 times 10.
Sign Number Three: You're Not Good Enough For Him
Seriously. This is a very important clue. Feeling that you're not good enough for him means that you feel bad about yourself....Which means he's not right for you relationship wise or sexually.
Sign Number Four: He Has A Lot Of Female Friends - And They're Jealous.
When your with him, and women come up and put their hands on him possessively and give you that little smug look. I don't need to describe that look to you, we all know what that look is, and we've all seen this scene play out at some point even if it was just on the movie screen. If this sort of thing happens when you're out with him, note his reaction..He has many possible interests.
Sign Number 5: He expressly denies being a Hoe or Sexual
In my experience, the men who come straight out (unprovoked) and proclaim that they aren't players, tend to be precisely that. He will announce this the first time he screws up, or senses that you're leery about him or his motives.. Dont ever let a man tell you he dosent love sex, or dosent enjoy the company of many women.
Sign Number 6: He's always slightly disconnected at times
He pays just enough attention to make you crave more, but little enough to make you wonder how interested he really is. This ploy is designed to make you want more - which is what most of you end up doing -- and some of you will go out of your way to get his attention via methods you wouldn't normally lower yourself to. That's exactly what he wants; you crawling on your knees for his attention.
Sign Number 7: He's an expert in bed.
These guys are so good in bed that many women will overlook the crap he pulls, just to get the chance to play house with him. The sex will be so good, and enough to get you semi hooked, that youll find yourself giving him more attention than you ever planned to.
Sign Number 8:
His communication skills suck.
Unless there's a very good reason, if a man doesn't answer your text/email/phone call within 24 hours, he's playing a game. And the men who deny the truth of that statement by claiming that some men are just too busy...? They're full of shit. If you really like someone, you can find a minute to at least text them. No one is that busy! he's playing games.
Sign Number 9:
He makes you feel like you're overreacting when you're not.
Let me give you an example: He promises to call you back at 8pm, but doesn't contact you until the next day. Why? Because he decided that watch a game with his friends would be more fun. When asked why he couldn't be bothered to let you know, to send you a text at least, he replies by making you feel like you're being clingy or too demanding. Lies all Lies
GoinG Back On Promises..
“We must all suffer from one of two pains: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret. The difference is discipline weighs ounces while regret weighs tons." | |
How come, you have tell yourself on numerous occasions.. "Never Again"?... It seems like the repetitive statement can be compared to a Heroine addict's plea after indulging in another night of use. How can a "Never Again" turn into "Ok, the last time" so easily? Not everyone has the on/off guilt switch.. Mines on the other hand flickers sporadically like an old fluorescent bulb.
At 23 years old independent and free as i have felt in my whole entire life, I can physically feel myself falling back into old habits. Backwards..right?
Boredom=Opportunity for Failure
Any way.. I digress... I will be spending more time at home, and my phone will be off more often..
HAPPY SATURDAY!
Thursday, November 4, 2010
::EarGasm::
"Chicago is becoming colder every day.. Snow is in the forecast for tonight so why not grab a "Winter Boo" and Cuddle (or more) to this?"
"Have a Baby By Me"
1.Method Man - I'll Be There For You/You're All I Need To Get By
2.Jadakiss - Right By My Side feat
3.Jagged Edge - Let's Get Married
4.Jagged Edge - Put A Little Umph In It
5.Jodeci - Forever My Lady
6.Keith Sweat - Nobody
7.Rome - I Belong To You
8.Jagged Edge - Walked Out Of Heave
9.Jodeci - Feenin'
10.Usher - Nice & Slow
11.Gucci Mane - Spotlight feat Usher
12.Ginuwine - My Whole Life Has Chan
13.Janet Jackson - Anytime
14.Shai - If I Ever Fall In Love
15.SWV - Weak In The Knees
16.Prince - Adore
17.R. Kelly - Bump N' Grind [Old School Mix]
18.Jodeci - Freek'n You
19.Silk - Freak Me
20.R. Kelly - Number 1 feat Keri Hil
21.Tony Toni Tone - Just Me & You
22.Teddy Pendergrass - Love TKO
23.Guy - Let's Chill
24.Tony Toni Tone - Lay Your Head On
25.Tony Toni Tone - Whatever You Wan
26.Ludacris - Slash Waterfalls Remix
27.Robin Thicke - Mrs Sexy
28.Prince - Diamonds & Pearls
29.Zapp & Roger - Computer Love
30.Bootsy Collins - I'd Rather Be With You
31.Raphael Saadiq - Ask Of You
32.Jodeci - Come & Talk To Me
33.Alicia Keys - Unthinkable
34.Debra Laws - Very Special
35.Big Daddy Kane - Very Special fea
WTF are you waiting for? Download!http://www.datpiff.com/DJ_Jon_B_Jodeci_tony_toni_tone_R_Kelly__Have_A.m166417.html
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
#SHEWANTSTHATOLDTHINGBACK
"Morning she rush for my touch
This is about LUST"
The bond shared between two people intimately can link them to a rollercoaster of emotional highs and lows, with a neverending "Giant drop"
I can atest that the feelings that are mutual between two individuals who share moments of passion can dig deeper into the psyche and heart than a butcher knife..
Emotion & Love mimic fairy tale.. the lesser evil or the issue i'm experiencing..
How do you cope with the feeling that you want the Passion, without the commitment.
Is it fair to ask someone to forget about you..but in all actuality you havent forgot them ..
especially whenever your eyelids close you catch a glimpse of moment shared in darkness?
The yelling, senseless arguements, priorities misplaced, and time commitment seem like a 300lb weight on my back..
But when I think of the feelings I shared... the 300lb becomes as meaningless as a feather..
Do I stand strong, fighting all implications that the flesh is growing weaker than the mind..
Or do i give in to MY FORBIDDEN FRUIT..
Blogging... yet again from my school library... watching the buses turn around our new/old terminal..
I've actually grown to like the library. Before the only reason I would even step foot into a Library was to grab so books for reading in solitude, and run out. Now that almost every hour awake is spent in this building of tacky beige and green decor, i've learned to cope. I got 2 phonecalls yesterday, one stating "F your new boyfriend( the library), The other " you cant possibly, stay in there till 12pm every night".. Truth is.. I wouldnt have it any other way. Call it boring, monotonous, whatever..
graduation is approaching... and the anxiety im feeling could cause me to explode..
After spending years on the same schedule, seeing the same people.. i came to the conclusion ..THE REAL WORLD IS SCARY AS HELL!
"What if all the people you've been with could be in a room together? Would you fill a closet, or an Auditorium?"
Yesterday someone I know posed an interesting question. Its interesting in the sense that, if you had to invite all your partners to a room, how big would the room need to be to accomondate them? How many people could people were relationships, friends, or maybe hidden skeletons.
I'd like to believe in a perfect world that the "COUNT ON TWO HANDS" still meant something to my age group. Sadly, it means as much as George Bush's word of honor. With sex becoming a more popular past time than Xbox Live, its easy to see how a young man or ladies "closet "could grow into a "Lecture Hall" full of random faces.
The even more disturbing ideal in this is, with the emergence of sexual freedom amongst same sex, six degrees of seperation could literally be tremendous in your "Sex Room" .
Im no saint, yet there has to be a STOP button so to speak when deciding if a new partner every night is fun & Exciting, opposed to a possible death sentence...
So what should you do when you find out your Significant other can fill a stadium full of partners??
A.) you can run like hell in a judgemental frenzy, and possibly miss out on your opportunity to be the last addition to his/her room
B.) Rationalize it!
Heres some math:
(For Example)
26 year old male
Lost his virginity at 16 years of age..
Has 2 New Partners Every month
12 months in a year
10 years of sexual experience....
*Calculates*
240 Partners over span of 10 years!
Sounds disgusting.. but if you think about it.. we all know men who have way more than only 2 new partners a month.. so imagine those numbers...
Final Thoughts: It can be a hard pill to swallow , looking into a room and noticing a sea of faces. It would be perfect to peer into your boyfriends room, and see only two young ladies seated.. Yet, we dont live in a perfect world. Follow your intuition regarding the situation, never be so quick to judge..
AND WRAP IT UP! that way all future complaints were at your own free will!
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